Diary

It Gets Worse

I believe that I have made a post here, saying how I keep on creating negative thoughts about myself and I get hurt because of them. Well now, it gets worse.

I’m not just creating those negative thoughts, I grow to believe in them. And believe it or not, I start to compare myself to others. I used to be the kind of person who doesn’t mind about my looks. Let’s not mince words, I used to be a person who focuses more on my studies, intelligence, skills, self-growth things rather than physical things, such as looks. I’ve had this belief for so long that my looks is not the best impression people will have on me nor the thing that I make the best impression from myself to other people. I can honestly tell people out in the open that I’m not attractive, that I ain’t cute, sexy, adorable, gorgeous even. I’m just.. ordinary. I mean I’m just the kind of girl whom people won’t give a second glance when they look at me on the street. I’m just the girl who won’t be picked for the most favorite or cutest girl in class. If people look at me for a long time, it’s probably because of my chests (I hate to say it but they do).

And I realize that this thing gets worse. I don’t want to use my photo for my Whatsapp messenger account or the rest of my social network accounts, it’s like I hate to see my face. I can’t go outside without using make ups (actually what I mean by ‘make up’, I only use facial powder and lipstick, I don’t use anything else because I can’t and I simply don’t want to. No matter how awful I look like, I still want people to get a clear sight of my true face). I don’t want to take self-pictures without using any filter because I’m scared of what people will think of my face. Not only my face, but my body as well. I’m short and I’m not.. slim, or at least have a healthy-looking body figure. I actually hate it if I don’t wear long-sleeves shirt. I want to wear dress or skirt to look feminime but I just can’t because I hate my legs. I can’t seem to love my body. At first, I thought I would be just fine because I wanted people to acknowledge me for my brain and personality but as I grew up, people won’t get satisfied because of it. It’s like I have this comfort zone and I’m forced to get out of it. And I also realize that complaining about this kind of thing is extremely stupid, I know everyone should love themselves. I don’t want to have this kind of thing going on inside my head but I just can’t seem to help it. I want to love myself but society is hard. I sometimes also believe that I’m the one who’s at fault by making myself like this. I’m trying to deal with everything but it’s hopeless. I just want to love myself with every flaw. I don’t want to compare myself to others. I want to ensure myself that it’s okay not to be pretty like girl A or girl B but it’s hard. And it’s even worse because I can’t talk about things like this to other people because they’ll think that it’s stupid and childish. So everything is a mess.

Sincerely,

xxghinaxx

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