Let’s just be honest, one girl’s mind is filled with various kinds of things. I think that’s just how girls are. I admit that I’m just like that. I think about so many things, I analyze everything and I relate one thing to another to avoid mistakes or conditions that I will regret later on. It’s complicated and most of the time it’s ridiculous but I just can’t help it.
This post is about something that has been on my mind for quite some time. I believe I have told you that I like this guy recently. This guy, well he’s already belong to someone for the past 4 years (if I’m not mistaken), has a girl who doesn’t treat him in respect. I find it disturbing because this guy is incredible. As an individual, he’s someone who thinks about his surrounding first. Sometimes this makes him doesn’t pay much attention to himself and he becomes a people-pleaser. This is actually the thing that made us bonded closer and more intimate; because I used to be a people-pleaser during my high school years and basically I saw my old self in his current self. I was completely alone at that time and he feels the same way. That’s why when he started to open up to me, I wanted to be there for him because I know exactly how he feels. And I fall in love in the process. I can see that he’s more than just a person who wants a change for himself. He’s someone who actually cares for his surroundings, he cares about his parents and his little sister (he told me several stories regarding to this matter and honestly it’s a plus point because I really really like the kind of guy who pays attention to what’s happening with his family and the things that he should do for them), he’s a person with great determination for his life, he has a very big sense of responsibility. As a student, he’s dilligent, he keeps on learning new things, he challenges himself, he tries to improve himself despite others’ cold words. He likes to compare himself to another person (who is our classmate) and most of the time it breaks him down, but I can see that he has a strong will to surpass him. He has a great quality as a student but he just doesn’t believe in it yet. As a lover, he’s romantic (I never believe that there’s a guy who’s the romantic type but apparently he is), he cares for his girlfriend deeply, he puts on gentle manners and sweet acts that I can only dream of, he sacrifices a lot even though it hurts him. He’s just very special. He just encounter unfortunate events and I determine to help him out and always stay by his side.
I’ve vowed to myself that I take full responsibility of my own words. I’ve chosen to stand by his side. I have strong feelings for him and the same thing goes to him. This path that I’ve chosen will be painful and I’ll shed so many tears but I really want to be there for him. I know that once more I’ll play the role as someone who continuously supporting a guy that she loves but unable to be more open about her actions and her feelings. I know that I’ll just stand by the sideline and not able to stand by his side. I’ll get hurt. I’ll repeat the same path I used to take during my previous relationships. If I were on my right senses, I won’t be doing this. I would just walk away. But I can’t. He warned me for not having deeper feelings toward him but I do. And if I express them to him, I know he’ll feel burdened for making me feel this way and it’s the last thing I want to do; adding a cherry on top of his problems. I know that all of these efforts will be futile because there’s no guarantee for the future at all.
Call me stupid but I dare to experience all of this once again. I don’t know, maybe this is how I will live. Of course, I dream of having a guy who fights for me and all but I don’t want to believe much. But sometimes, on my wildest imagination, I wish for us; the future and development of our future, our own story. Someday, I wish we can be more open about us. I know that I play the role as a fighter once more. I know that I’m tired to be the one who fights and not be the one who’s being fight for. But maybe this is who I am. Maybe I was born to be a fighter in a relationship.
I refuse to be called as someone who’s blinded by love. My feelings are more than just love. I care for him, I know how much I want to be by his side, protect him, care for him, defend him, assist him, support him. He’s a guy with his own shines and it’ll be painful to watch him sink. He just need a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on, a back to depend on. And I’m willing to offer those. Maybe I won’t become.. I don’t know, some girl who waits for a guy to come to her. If it turns out I’ll be like Lena who rescues Daniel despite all of the dangerous situations (watch “Colonia”), or Ninako who constantly love and support Ren even though he belongs to someone (watch “Strobe Edge”), or maybe we’ll have the relationship that everyone will hate like Avery and Hunter (read “In Silence” by Erica Spindler), why not? It’s okay if I don’t play the role as a typical sweet girl in some romance stories. As long as I know how to express my feelings in a right way, how to treat someone that I love in the best way, how to understand someone and always be there for him, how to guide him through his dark moments and lead him so he can enjoy things that he deserves, it’s enough. Sometimes a girl should be the one who does all of the kindness and doesn’t hide behind the term “equality”. Sometimes a girl should not be demanding and should start to learn how to give. Of course, there MUST be a smart way in doing so. What I do is risky but I’m willing to fight. I’m willing to try and open a new path on the one that I’m currently walking. If by the end I leave empty-handed, I need to embrace it. I’ve chosen the path and I should be brave to take and accept all the risks. But if by the end I leave with victory, I know that I’ve been fighting for something right and meaningful. 🙂