Diary

Darkest Confessions

This post is disturbing.

Hi. My name is Ghina. This post is probably the most disturbing post I’ve ever created. I decided to make this post because I realize that I’ve been hiding for so long. I have kept a lot of things from many people and that I’ve been pretending to be the kind of person I am not. I realize that day by day, I spend my time carelessly. I don’t act the way I want, I fake my smile and my laugh, I pretend to be nice and take jokes easily so that people won’t get offended. I’m not being honest to myself. And it hurts because I feel like I’m throwing away my identity and my pride as a human being gradually.

So I’m going to make several confessions. And these are the things that I’ve been keeping for so long. I don’t expect people to understand. I only want to find a way so that I can be honest in attempt to save myself by making the smallest step.

First, I am a victim of a sexual assault and this causes me to lose my virginity. I was seventeen at that time so it’s been two years. The one who did it was my classmate. I trusted him too easily and I let my guard down. I thought he liked me and I thought I liked him. But it turned out he was a creep who liked to check on any girl’s body (he still is). And the incident happened in the classroom, it was morning and no one arrived earlier than us. He forced himself on me and I tried to protect myself. I failed. So he put two of his fingers inside me. When I managed to go away, I ran to the restroom and I found out that I got bleed. He attempted on raping me as well when I was in his room. We were suppossed to do our assignment together and he took advantage of it. I blamed myself for everything. I still do. And I know it’s been 2 years but it still haunts me. I don’t want to play victim here but it is what it is. I’ve been trying to seek for a help but it fails. And I feel like I’m worthless as a girl and a human being. And this makes me hate myself.

For that one, well.. some of my closest friends have knew about that. And honestly, I felt bad for telling them but I needed them to know since I was concern about their own safety (since we’re on the same class and I’m worried they could become his victim). They accepted it and had been supporting me ever since then which I really appreciate.

But that’s not the biggest confession I’ve ever had. This one.. it’s humilliating and.. well if someone does this to themselves, people may think that they’re having some mental issues or something. But I need to be honest.

I self-harm. I have gone through a lot of things. My life isn’t exactly a smooth one. I’ve been bullied, assaulted, humilliated, etc. My parents weren’t exactly the soft-loving parents so I grew up with so many hits, slaps, and other physical ‘punishments’. My ‘friends’ weren’t exactly nice and loyal, they talked behind my back and they spreaded so many false rumours which made me looked bad. And when I was in high school, I realized that everything started to get worse and I got depressed. And around that time, I harmed myself for the first time. I slit my hand (my left hand, the inner side) with a pair of scissors. And.. I did it again recently. The thoughts keep on coming back as of why I should hurt myself, why I deserve to be in pain, why I deserve to punish myself. The answer is always the same though; because I’m unworthy, dirty, low, uneeded, a failure. I feel like I don’t deserve anything; pleasure, good friends, success, happiness, romantic relationships. I feel like I have made myself dirty and nothing can cleanse me up. No matter how much I try to be good, my dirts will always show and people won’t accept them. So that’s why I’m really used to getting hurt in everything; I let myself get into an abusive relationships (verbally abusive), I let myself become the source of people’s jokes and I can only smile and accept it, I let myself become the second or the last in evertyhing. Because I don’t deserve anything. I want people to take me seriously and they don’t but I need to accept it because I don’t deserve a chance for people to acknowledge me, to take me seriously. want someone to fight for me but I don’t deserve it because I’m not good. I have torn my own pride with things. So that’s why everyday I play the role as a good girl who laughs at everything and act lively all the time. Because even though I don’t deserve it, at least I want to feel what it feels like to be normal. Even though they don’t compliment me seriously, I want to know what it feels like to be complimented. I fake everything. I smile when I don’t want to, I laugh when I don’t want to. I want to cry but I still need to act like nothing happen. Because I want to feel to be normal.

I’m not a good girl. I fake everything.

Sincerely,

xxghinaxx

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