A Reflection To The Past

Time has passed so quickly. The first time I created this blog was when I was still in high school, during the second or the third year. As I scrolled through the posts earlier, I realized so many things have passed. I have faced so many hardships, joyful moments, breakdowns. There were times when I thought I wanted to give up back then. I did a particular kind of action that’s harmful, thinking that it would solve everything. I’ve done many things. And despite all of those things, good or bad, I’m still here.

I’m 20 years old now, an age where someone starts to be acknowledged as a young adult whose opinion and action will be based on wise judgment and deep understanding. If things are going well, I’ll be graduating next year. It feels scary somehow, noticing how fast time flies. You thought you were still a teenager, struggling through high school life, having fun with your friends, living a comfortable life with your parents supporting you financially. The next thing you know you’re almost stepping into the adult world, realizing that you only have few friends who are worth your trust, knowing that you’ll be forced to be independent financially and it’s your turn to give your earnings to your parents. It feels scary when you know you’re about to go into the next stage of your life with no one will be on your back but yourself. People have always been saying that living as an adult will be so much difficult, complicated, tricky, full of responsibilities. I guess that’s what makes the whole thing scarier.

As a young lady, I start to realize that I’m still the old me when it comes to romance. That little girl who always takes care of the guy she loves, working so hard to prove herself towards him hoping that she’ll be able to change him, wishing that she’ll be fought for the way she fights for the guy, is still here. Years have passed but that part remains. Of course, so many guys have left, leaving memories and scars. However, without them, I would never recognize my nature when it comes to romance; of how I can be really faithful, loyal, but reckless at the same time. Though I always keep my head and eyes on the reality, my mind turns to the opposite track and live in its wildest dream. I indulge myself with those wild dreams as a form to escape from the reality or, to put it in the most correct way, strengthen myself because I know the reality won’t be as sweet as I want it to be. I dream of loving a guy faithfully, being there for him during his darkest moments, helping him out through life, and finally he has the courage to make a decision and choose to be with me, fight for me, letting me know that I’m worth it, that all of my hard efforts towards him will be returned with the most genuine gesture from him. But no, it won’t happen. I also start to realize that maybe I’ll be following my Mother’s footsteps. My parents’ marriage isn’t actually the happiest one in the world. They fight a lot, my Father tends to be really abusive. Our household isn’t actually the thing that I want to brag about. I thought it was my Mother’s fault for not devoting herself enough to my Father. So I learnt not to be like her, whenever I was in a relationship with a guy I would become really loving and devoting. But then, I realized. It wasn’t her fault for being less devoting. It was her fault for being too faithful so she’d be taken for granted. I thought I would break the cycle and make a new path for myself. But no, I’m just as weak. And I know, I’ll never find a guy who’ll brave enough to choose me and fight for me and actually have a serious relationship with me because I make myself easy for him. It’s all because of my own actions.

I don’t know how many years I’ll live. I don’t know whether I’ll survive until the end or I’ll just simply give up in the middle by cutting my life span. I won’t know what tomorrow holds for me. I won’t be able to see the things that I’ll face next. One thing for sure is that I’ve faced a lot. It’s a struggle that I did in order to keep on living as a human being. And I don’t know when will I get the chance to reflect myself. But I know, somewhere deep inside, I think I simply want to be happy with my life. Simply to be able to smile and laugh without faking them. I simply want to accept and love myself. In some way.




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