It’s a bit scary if you think about what your mind is capable to do. I was born an introvert; I enjoy solitude the most. When people think that I may be lonely, sitting alone while busily reading a book or listening to the music with the headsets on or just staring at a distance, I don’t. I’ve never been good with people. Things that come from my mouth tend to be misleading and barely vivid, leading to yet another bitter feeling and misunderstanding for others. I’m not good in being vocal and expressing myself. People say my face makes a strong impression of mine; I look so cold, distant. While actually, despite the solitude that I enjoy, I want to indulge myself in a deep conversation. I want to be involved in a warm circle. I’ve been longing for a good laugh, a great company. I want to become a part of something meaningful.
I have to admit that I’ve been living my life in a lie. It all started when I was in junior high school. Being a student who used to study in a private school during her elementary years then enrolled in a public school, both my manner and academic ability were excellent. Not to mention the extra lessons my parents paid for me and the strict way they raised me. It was like a successful first step of creating a proper, lady-like, bright and perfect doll that was soon to be shown to the outside world. I had quite the reputation back then; the teachers adored me, I had lots of friend, I was always on the top 5 for 3 years among the same year’s students, I joined a sport club. I was like a dream figure; good at sports and academic, lady-like manner, innocent figure. It was enjoyable at that time; I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy all of the attention they gave to me at that time. But those things came with a price. I lived in everybody’s expectation and not allowed to be free.
At first, I thought it was only a phase. It would pass. I determined to find out who I really was during my high school year. And I was wrong. I was obsessed to be one of the top students so of course I did my best in studying. And as soon as people noticed that, the impression that I had during my junior high years (the one that I tried so hard to let go) came back. All of a sudden, the whole thing repeated. Only this time, the scene took part in high school.
I wasn’t able to explore and be myself. At school, I was like one of the perfect students. But deep down, I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to make mistakes and learn from them, I wanted to study so I could understand not to just pass a subject, I wanted to make decisions based on my judgement and preference. The first time I rebelled was when I decided to join 2 clubs. My Mother, being a Tiger Mom, really opposed it. She said it would interrupt my studies. I, on the other hand, had a desire to explore and do everything while the time was still fit. So I joined the club anyway and being busy with 2 clubs. It was the first time I made a decision by myself and committed to it. The result? Dealing with papers, reports, documenting events, trying to secure an agreement and deal with other people, became one of the skills that I possessed. They still are up until now. It was also the first time I learnt that I was capable of making decisions and be responsible with it.
But, make no mistake, I still had ‘the impression’ on me. Being busy at school, other than letting myself feeling satisfied with my decision, also made ‘the impression’ worse. People started to expect more. It was overwhelming. I thought I just did something to help myself figure out who I really was but why did it turn the opposite? I questioned myself with the same thing over and over again.
And all of those expectations and impression became a hard time. The condition in my house started to crumble. I started to feel like I had an identity crisis. Everything started to fall apart. And I couldn’t speak to anyone because people had the impression that I was independent and so on. So I began to have two-sides of behaviour. At school, I was just like how they thought of me. At home or when I was alone, I was the real me; lonely, confused, exhausted. I started to lie about my feelings. I started to fake everything. I started to be dishonest with my reactions. All I could ever think of was making others happy and pleased because their expectation was met (I’m not yet change).
It was around that time I began to show signs of depression that later on lead to self-harm. So yes, I have been struggling with depression for a very long time. I was 14 or 15 when I was on my first year of high school so it’s been 5 or 6 years. About the self-harm, at first it was a way to relieve the stress. But recently, it became an uncontrollable urge. To add things, I’ve been constantly blaming myself for the decisions that I make. The reason? Those decisions seem to lead to unpleasant events. Actually, it is a correct statement if I say ‘I make myself like this’, ‘I’m the one who leads myself to have this path so I must not blame anyone else’. I’m still the same person when it comes to decisions and responsibilities; if I make a decision, whether it will produce good or bad things, I have to committed to it and fully responsible with it. I used to be a part of something that I thought very meaningful and beautiful. But recently, I lost it. I lost their respect. It’s my fault and I have to live with it. I’m the one who caused it.
I told 4 people about my self-harm tendency: my ex-boyfriend, 2 of my closest friends, and this one special guy. But among those 4, only 2 that really care. Ever since I told them, they’re being extremely supportive. They’re like blessings from God. But I know, that I can’t keep on relying on them. Somehow, I have to manage in coping by myself. So I decided to write.
Even though I’m not good in expressing my feelings with the words that I say, I still can express them through writings. My friend (whom I told about my condition) encouraged me to keep on writing. She said it can also be a distraction so I won’t cut my wrist anymore. And believe me when I say a good music always leads to a relaxed mind. A good music helps me in thinking clearly and the words will just flow naturally. Most of the time, when I feel like I want to write but I can’t because I seem to unable in finding the right words, I always put my playlist into shuffle and whenever a good music plays, I become the most honest person through her writing.
A mind, for me, is like an abyss. It is really deep, dark, scary, cold. You expect the worst from it. If you think of something bad, the thought will manifest into reality and it will make you wonder whether your mind can really play a trick on you. Like if you think of the worst scenario and you’re worried about it, there’s a possibility that the concern that you have inside your mind affect the way you act in real world which you may not notice but the act somehow leads you to that worst scenario, instead of helping you to avoid id. I’m scared of my own mind. With the hard time that I’m currently facing, my mind somehow doesn’t help me in making myself feel better. But at least, I can let go of several things, several burdens, through writing. With the help of a good music, I feel like the scream from the abyss stops for a while and I can get a moment of serenity. Somehow.. it helps me in dealing with my psychological condition, my illness; depression and self harm. So yeah.. no matter how deep is the mind, a good music will always soothe the pain and transform the pain into something else, an honest piece of writing.
Dedicated to Hilman Niroha, a wonderful guy who accepts me for who I am and Shinta Permata Sari, an amazing girl who’s willing to help me get through everything