Diary

Finally

So this post is actually more like a confession but it is also a dedication. This post explains about the issue that I’ve been having which affects me so much. On the other hand, I manage to deal with this certain issue with the help of someone whom I never thought would help me to go this far. So this issue and a certain individual is closely related.

I still remember the first time I got enrolled in IT program for my college. I was really clueless. I didn’t know what to do. I was having a really hard time understanding what was being told in class. I felt like I was unable to move forward. I felt like stepping into this major was a big drawback in my life.

On my high school years, I had planned my life carefully. I wanted to become someone who had a career in the science world. I had quite an interest in literature as well, so I had some thoughts of having a career where my interest and skill of language was heavily required. But then I had a massive argument with my parents during my last year of high school and I ended up being a student in IT program. I’m going to be honest here, I used to really hate the fact that I was unable to speak louder for my choices and got stuck in a field that I didn’t know what it really was.

It took a really long time for me to adapt. I was struggling so hard to find something that I would decided to love and work hard for. Honestly no one understood what I felt because I saw others and I felt envy of them. They seemed talented and they were able to move with the pace. I myself was struggling with so many things and something like this was just like adding some acid to my opened wound.

Now, I’m already on my sixth semester. Two more semesters to go and I’ll be able to graduate. Looking back at the past when I was still a first year student was kind of funny and cute. I still remember clearly how hard it was for me. It is still hard for me but I used to struggle way harder years ago.

As the time passes, I’ve come to realize that maybe there’s something that I can love from this major. Though it’s a bit too late but I want to work hard with the time that I have left. I’ll be graduating soon and I don’t want to get out from this program that costs my family a fortune with no skill and no job. With the remaining time that I have as a student, I want to succeed. I have everything that I need now. I have a will to move forward and push myself way much harder, I have a sense of responsibility for everything that my family has put into my education, I have a dream of being an independent and successful woman with a great career and salary. I have enough understanding about several fields in IT to let me know which area I want to focus on. On top of that, I have someone to support me.

This person saved me years ago when I was about to end everything. Who would have thought that this person, whom I thought I would never get close with and confess my true feelings to (confession: I had been having a secret crush on him since the first semester), end up being someone whose impact is so powerful on me? He motivates and inspires me in some way. I like that. It’s really refreshing to have someone who’s doing the same thing as you and able to understand about the hard things that you’ve been having. He helps me along the way. He pushes me to my limit. We study together, we work hard together, we try to accompany each other as we try to become much qualified individuals. It is something that I never expect to have. I know that I’m quite ambitious with my studies but I never expect to have someone who’ll accompany me through my struggle.

And we both have mutual feelings for each other. What we have isn’t visible for the public to see but in silence, we support each other and have each others’ back. This is probably the thing that I enjoy the most, working hard together for the sake of our future. It’s beautiful in some way.

I don’t think he knows how big of an impact he makes on me. If he weren’t there years ago, I’d probably be broken by now. If he weren’t honest with his issues and if we both weren’t decided to open up and take our relationship to a higher level, I’d still be confused of what to do. I’d be lost because I had no guide nor assistance. I love him and he brings a lot of new things that I can cherish and treasure for a lifetime but I don’t think he realizes that he affects me in so many good ways. I think I have told you somewhere among my posts that I really love a guy who can motivates me on my studies. It’s probably one of the biggest thing that can affect my feelings. Well.. he does.

For sure, now I know the area that I want to focus on. I don’t want to say it because I feel like I’m not qualified enough to say it. I want to build stronger skills and bigger confidence so I can clearly say it. He becomes the first person who realizes it and he wants to help me in achiving it. So I think, why do I have to complain now? I must not worry about anything. He also helps me realize that our future becomes the first priority, the status of our relationship comes next because time can help us to make it clear. But our future is something that we need to work hard for above anything else. I love the way he helps me to get my senses back.

And I know, for this kind of person, a special present is necessary. Not because I’m blinded by his love and kindness, but he deserves to get it.

So, in conclusion, I know what I want to be for my future. What’s left for me is to work hard in achiving it. I have my own resources, time, energy, will. And most importantly, I have someone whose existence, acts, kindness, love and thoughts affect me in a positive and better way.

And I’m grateful to be in this state. This is a chance that I will never misuse. I can’t let myself down anymore. And I can’t let his efforts thrown away like some kind of trash. He’s a gem and I need to make him proud. I need to make him realize that the things that he does help me in turning into a wonderful figure.

Sincerely,

xxghinaxx

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