Eventually, The Blame is on Me

When I thought everything would be different, somehow, someway, no matter what I do, things would turn out to be the same. The only difference that occurs is the people involved, the time happened. The feelings felt.

I am a romantic. I dream of a nice and warm romantic relationship with mutual efforts and feelings. I used to mind about me being the one who always fight. But now, I have come to realize that it has become my nature to fight for someone, to make someone feel that they are worth it. One of the principles that I constantly remind myself of is that I have to treat people the way I want them to treat me. If I respect someone, that is because I imagine myself being on their shoes and I’d like others to treat me like that. I always believe that what we give is what we’ll eventually get in the future. That’s why I try to always put others first, how I pay attention to them and their feelings, their needs. Sometimes it hurts because I sacrifice my own rights. But all of it is worthy when I know I get the kind of treatment that is positive and reflecting the treatment I give to people.

Romance has never been my forte. Maybe I’m destined to be someone who will be forever unlucky when it comes to romance. Ironic. Despite my romantic nature, romance isn’t the thing that I feel good with. The amount of effort that I give has never been equal to the one that I get. I used to blame the other person. I used to cheer myself up by saying that I have done enough. I used to think that I am the one who gets hurt in here.

Today’s conversation between me and him changed everything. As the rain poured down, we spoke out the things inside our head: my unpleasant feelings, his concern, my rude manner, his stressful mind, our problem. At that moment, I have tried everything to explain the best I could. But words didn’t cover them. It was my fault for not making it clear. It was my fault for not making him understand the most basic thing I want: how I want to convinced that my decision of staying with him is the best. For once, I want to do something right. I’ve been making mistakes all along my life. I ignored people’s sayings and believed in my own actions. Most of the time, I let myself down with the decisions I make. The incompetence of proving them wrong is severe and painful. With him, I want things to go along well. We live our life, our plan, together. We’re standing on each others’ side, giving each others’ shoulders to lean on, hands to hold, eyes to comfort, ears to listen, heart to love. We believe in our dreams and goals, how we work hard together so that we can get everything we’ve been wishing for. It’s all about the most beautiful things I’ve ever dreamt of. But my mind, my mouth, some parts of me are corrupted with jeaolousy, envy, rage, ridiculous aspects. Those things break me and slowly transformed me into a completely different person: rude, ill-mannered, selfish.

I hurt him. Again. I have lost track on how often I make him upset and sad, how often I vowed to change. I realize that, all along, it is not because of the other person. It is me. All along, I’m the one who caused all of this. If I were able to control myself perfectly, things would have been pretty. All along, I’m the one who make people stay away. I hurt them. Yet I’m blind and hallucinate that it’s never been my fault.

Now I’m standing on the edge. I put myself in the same situation all over again. What if I’m being left behind this time? What if all of the good efforts that I make for him won’t be seen anymore because of today’s event? What if I can’t fix myself and hurt him some time in the future? What if I just lost my chance with a person who is worth all the love, recognition, respect, trust, and loyalty? I can’t say all of these worries or else it will worsen the situation. Some efforts, some changes will fit better. I just don’t know what it is. My fear of ruining this chance with him, this decision regarding him, is massive. I don’t want to regret. I want to use the time well. But what if it is too late? What if I can’t find the solution? What if I wait too long? What if I take the wrong step? What if he doesn’t believe in me again anymore?

All along it’s me. I’ll give everything for a time for me to change. To fix everything. To prove everything. I may be full of flaws but it doesn’t mean I want to make them as bullets that hurt people.

Especially him. Not him. I beg. Not Hilman. He deserves everything. I can’t hurt him. I’ve made him cried once and I must not repeat the same sin. Not him. For once, I want things to be right. And it’s with him.




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